Lucy Kellaway embarked on one of her more entertaining rants in the FT the other day, ripping into the CEOs of Citigroup and Boden for their overly flippant and disingenuous communicative styles.

It’s here as a podcast – the vitriol purely drips, although at a rough guess, I’d say it’s pretty much PMS-driven (if I know anything about these things. Which I do..)

The thing that ticks me off about Boden is a disconnect the size of the Grand Canyon between Johnnie’s jolliness and the dullness of his Customer Service drones.

(In contrast, the folks at Toast display a finely honed sense of ironic humour…)

Dear Johnny,

as a fellow bloke, I’m sure you’ll be able to help me on this one.To be honest, I’m a bit concerned.

Ms. B is away on business and a package turned up today containing a couple of items that she’d evidently neglected to advise me of. They’ll turn up on my credit card statement at some stage, I’m sure, but I unpacked them out of curiosity and am somewhat perturbed by the fact that they appear to be disintegrating as I watch them.
I’ve taken a couple of snaps of one of them and both collar and sleeve are showing advanced signs of the fabric equivalent of necrosis.
I’m sure these items didn’t leave your warehouse in this state, so there’s obviously some sort of contamination issue that you’ll need to address tout de suite.
I’d like to get this sorted before the squaw returns to the tipi in a week’s time.I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for this.
I normally am, but this definitely is not of my making.
BestJohn B (Mr)

Dear Mr John B
Thank you for your email.I’m really sorry that your wife’s New Printed Laundered Shirt has not reached the quality that both you, your wife and I would normally expect from Boden.
We do understand your dilemma therefore, I have immediately sent you a replacement item, as well as a free returns label so you can send the faulty item back to us.
Could you please write a short description of the fault and include this with the item when you send it back to us? Unfortunately, during our sales all orders will take up to 2 weeks to deliver.
Again, I am really sorry for any inconvenience and, if you have any further queries, please contact me.
Yours sincerely
Christine X
Customer Services

Dear Ms. X
the replacement item arrived yesterday and I really am at a bit of a loss to understand this.
You said that the original offending item must have slipped through the cracks to turn up in such a necrotic state.
The one that landed here most recently is almost as bad and I’m starting to think that perhaps it’s meant to be like that?

It’s quite beyond my understanding – I don’t recall having bought a new car recently with intentional scratches and a flat tire – but I recall reading that furniture is frequently attacked with bicycle chains and sandpaper to “distress” it, as they say.

And the youth market appears to have taken to wearing trousers which leave the rack ripped to shreds, so there might be something to it. Although the logic escapes me.
You also didn’t send a free returns label, so I’m now stuck with TWO shirts in a severe state of disrepair and no way of returning them.
Or even one of them.
I’ve also at this moment just had Ms. B on the phone from fields afar, tearing into me because the item now appears to be even cheaper on your website and why haven’t I done something about it.
So it all appears to be my fault after all.
I’ve been instructed to return one of the shirts to you.
At least that’s what I think I understood from the rant I’ve just had to endure.
I’m to ask you to send a free returns label tout de suite and also to ask you what you’re going to do about the plummeting price.
I gather she’d rather like to have it for £25. (Personally, I wouldn’t give you a fiver for it, but – then again – what do I know..?)
Can you help me get this sorted please. I’m rather fearful for my life if we don’t and I’d hate for you to have to read about my violent demise in the papers and have it burden your conscience for life…
Help!
John B (Mr)

Dear John B
Thank you for your email.
I am sorry for the disappointment with the New Printed Laundered Shirt.
We are unable to send you a return label, as this can only be used in the UK.
When you have sent it back, please let us know the cost and we will refund it for you.
I am sorry that this has now been further reduced in our final clearance sale.
Unfortunately, as the item was already reduced when you placed your order, I am afraid that we are unwilling to offer any compensation for the difference in price on this occasion.
If you wish to return the item, and reorder at the sale price please feel free to do so.
However, I would advise you check the availability of this item first as during the sale, stocks are extremely limited.
Once again, I am sorry for any disappointment or irritation caused by the timing of our final clearance sale and, if you have any further queries, please let us know.
Yours sincerely
Elisa X

Customer Services

At this point, I gave up.

And, yes, I DO know that the bloody shirt was MEANT to be like that.

Not that I understand it, of course….