>Now, if I’ve understood this correctly.. – The Iowa Caucuses

Posted on 3 January, 2008 by jb

>Now, if I’ve understood this correctly, the votes of around 9% of Iowans (that would be 0.008% of the entire US population…) serve as an early indication of which candidates for President might win the nomination of their party.

That’s what Tim Russert said on NBC on New Year’s Day, anyway.

And he reckons that the vote in Iowa (traditionally and this year especially) will give HUGE momentum to the candidates winning there going into the New Hampshire primary and from there onto the other primaries to be held in the next few weeks.
(If you’re expected to win but don’t, you’d appear to be pretty much stuffed, according to Tim)

So if I’ve got this right (and you have to believe me that I’ve researched this – I’m not making it up – honest), a tiny, non-representative group of voters (those with both time on their hands – you have to physically turn up and spend a couple of hours in discussions – and an interest in party politics – you have to be registered with a party, but you CAN switch on the day…) decide in a non-secret ballot, the votes of which don’t necessarily carry the same sway due to the weighting process based on the precinct’s previous voting record, on who’s going to possibly be the party’s candidate for the presidential election?

Okaaay……

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>Don’t ask me about….(Chreaster decorations) #29

Posted on 3 January, 2008 by jb

>

Or would that be “Eastmas”….?

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>Dumbing down

Posted on 3 January, 2008 by jb

>“The throwaway-Kleenex TV programs and magazines, the junk thought, the affirmations of the unbelievable, the garish music, the suffocating ignorance, the language unrooted in lived human experience — this is the muck we swim in, and even though we despise it, some of it sticks.“

One could add – the pride in unenlightenment.

I thought I’d seen it all, until the “Today” show on NBC on New Year’s Day.

Here are 3 mature, educated and urbane media professionals pretending that they can’t properly pronounce a French word for fear of being accused of elitism by Middle America.

The word was “bourguignon”, as in Beef Bourguignon – the recipe being cooked by the studio chef – and there they were – Matt Lauer, Ann Curry and Al Roker – joking at each other’s attempts at ignorance.

OF COURSE they know how the word’s pronounced.

They’re people who eat in good restaurants, who have travelled and – perhaps – even had a good education.

If they’d been taking the educational role of their jobs as journalists seriously, they’d have said something like:
“You could actually call it Beef Burgundy – “Burgundy”‘s the English name for the Bourgogne region of France where the wine used in the dish comes from and Bourguignon is the adjective”

But no – just ham it up and act like you’re a fucking rube.

It’s not that they SHOULD know better – they DO know better.

That’s what really pisses me off….

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>It must be me…#3

Posted on 2 January, 2008 by jb

>It must be me

Retail therapy at Timberland in Freeport, Maine.

Go through the usual “Where are you from? New Zealand. Oh, how exciting I know someone who once went to Ireland” and when I go to pay, the cash register tape has started running out and there’s a fat green double stripe down the middle.

So I say ” Oh, that’s cool – foreigners get specially coloured receipts. Canadians too”

Blank look, as if I’m trying to explain quantum physics by yodelling, then confusion tinged with fear.

Backs away towards the panic button.

As I say – it must be me.

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>This I need… "Watch out where the huskies go"

Posted on 2 January, 2008 by jb

>So I’m in Stonewall Kitchens in York, Maine.

End of the holiday season and they’re selling of all SORTS of festive (and non-festive) crap that – surprisingly – doesn’t appear to be flying out of the door at any great speed.

All sorts of ESSENTIAL thingies, actually, like a vegetable peeler that you clip over your finger and then attack a carrot as if you were stroking the dog.

Or rubber bands out of silicone for tying up beans (that’s what the label says, anyway) to stop them swimming around the cooking pot at random.

Or flexible tennis racquet-like thingies that peel and slice avocados in one go.

Yeah, right.

But they DID have something that appeared to be quite popular if the almost empty jars were anything to go by

Yellow snow.

With a picture of a peeing dog on the packet.

Just like Steve Fullmer‘s.

They’re actually citrus flayoured crystals, but the resemblance to the real life item is quite stunning.

“This is cute” said the lady at the checkout “It’s very popular”

“Yeah, I bet it’s dirty minded old men like me who also dig Frank Zappa” I said

Blank look.

(As in “This person is talking on tongues” blank look.)

“Watch out where the huskies go..?”

She backs away perceptibly and looks around nervously, so I leave it at that.

But she was MY age!

Haven’t they heard of Zappa up here?

For the musically challenged

Yellow snow.mp3

And the lyrics
Dreamed I was an eskimo Frozen wind began to blow Under my boots and around my toes The frost that bit the ground below It was a hundred degrees below zero… And my mama cried And my mama cried Nanook, a-no-no Nanook, a-no-no Dont be a naughty eskimo Save your money, don’t go to the show Well I turned around and I said oh, oh oh Well I turned around and I said oh, oh oh Well I turned around and I said ho, ho And the northern lights commenced to glow And she said, with a tear in her eye Watch out where the huskies go, and dont you eat that yellow snow Watch out where the huskies go, and dont you eat that yellow snow

And just LOOK at that bloody session band!

Jim gordon (drums) John guerin (drums) Aynsley dunbar (drums) Ralph humphrey (drums) Jack bruce (bass) Erroneous (bass) Tom fowler (bass) Frank zappa (bass, lead vocals, guitar) George duke (keyboards, background vocals) Don sugar cane harris (violin) Jean-luc ponty (violin) Ruth underwood (percussion) Ian underwood (saxophone) Napoleon murphy brock (saxophone, background vocals) Sal marquez (trumpet) Bruce fowler (trombone) Ray collins (background vocals) Kerry mcnabb (background vocals) Susie glower (background vocals) Debbie (background vocals) Lynn (background vocals) Ruben ladron de guevara (background vocals) Robert camarena (background vocals)

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>It must be me…#2

Posted on 31 December, 2007 by jb

>Still in New England. Kittery, Maine. It’d be nice to say that Bob Kraft, who started up Bob’s Clam Hut in 1956, was still running it, has gone all gentrified, changed his name to Robert and opened up Robert’s Maine Grill and Market just across the road on US1.

Would be nice, but it isn’t true.

Would also be nice to report that the people who work there have a moderately advanced sense of humour.

Would be nice, but….

Popped in out of the cold to check the menu and spied some of their t-shirts handing on a line over the lobster tanks.

“Are they retail items, or are they just hanging up to dry” I enquired.

I was sort of hoping that the Master of Ceremonies (or whatever you call the jumped up waiter behind the podium) was going to say:

“Sorry, sir. They actually belong to tthe lobsters and they’ll be putting them back on as soon as they get out of the water after their evening dip”

But he didn’t.

Deadpan face.

“No sir” he said” “We hang them up like that to make them look as if they’re on a washing line. We use clothes pegs especially to create that impression. We have the retail items right over here….”

I kid you not.

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>Don’t ask me… (about New England life #2)

Posted on 30 December, 2007 by jb

>From the Portsmouth Herald

4:17 p.m.
Police were called to Holiday Drive for a report of youths trying to pick a lock on a shed.
An officer reported a juvenile was trying to pick the lock with a paperclip “with no chance of getting in” and sent home.

10:52 p.m.
A report was taken from a Gosport Road resident about his roommate dumping candle wax on his head.
Responding officer reported it was a joke that was unappreciated, that alcohol was a factor and the parties agreed to go to bed.

11:02 p.m.
Officers were called to Weald Road, where a woman was reported yelling obscenties during a disturbance when a reindeer head was thrown

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>It must be me…#1

Posted on 30 December, 2007 by jb

>It’s been said that irony does not travel well, especially in a westerly direction across the North Atlantic.

I appear to be on a mission to prove it beyond all doubt..

I’m in Newburyport, MA in the Bookrack, a cool independent little bookstore.

These glasses have a sticker on them saying “Spring hinges”, so I asked the girl behind the counter if they were seasonal items.

Blankish sort of look, so I asked if they had some with hinges that were perhaps more appropriate to the current time of year.

“Oh, that’s FUNNY” she said.

But she didn’t laugh……

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>Don’t ask me… (about New England life)

Posted on 29 December, 2007 by jb

>From the Portsmouth Herald

11:27 a.m. — A caller told police a sick raccoon was in the area of Rockingham Avenue, and when he threw a snowball at
it, it didn’t move. The animal was put down and transported from the
scene.

3:58 p.m. — A South Street caller told police there were two males in
the area of the Wentworth Coolidge mansion throwing snowballs at cars.

Must have thought it was a Dodge Raccoon…..

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>Herod 22 to base….

Posted on 24 December, 2007 by jb

>We’re at the Tabernus Ferium on Via XXII in Bethlehem. No sign of the juvenile fugitive

We interviewed three suspicious characters with camels who were lurking outside the stable next door – we confiscated what we think are controlled substances from two of them and took them into custody. Herod 23’s bringing them in. The third suspect was carrying a shitload of bullion, but he had a receipt for it and was clean otherwise, so we had to let him walk.

Stable appears to be uninhabited, apart from a donkey and some cows.

We’re going to check out a report about some shepherds seeing bright lights in the sky about 5 miles out of town.

Probably another bloody UFO sighting. Or they’ve been into the arrack.

Herod 22, over and out.

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