You Must Be From Away

BUNNINGS [US equivalet: Home Depot] JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings Hardware in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny….

NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX:
Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will
cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON:
Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY:
$150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30 – 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here’?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20 Kgs.?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?:
12 Kms

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes. absolutely.

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After landing my new job as a Bunnings “Greeter” – a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . .. .
About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bogan babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Bunnings.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “No, they ain’t fucking twins.
The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7, why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just fucking stupid?”

I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone shagged you twice…. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.”

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work……