>This, I believe, appeared in “Punch” many years ago in response to a survey in “The Observer”.

Most Britons still believe in the concept of sin Most Britons and nearly a third believe in hell and the devil according to the biggest survey of public opinion ever carried out in the West.

Britons have a stricter moral code than their fellow Europeans on serious sexual, criminal and social matters, but they are more permissive about minor infringements, such as failing to report accidental damage to a parked vehicle”

And it does link in so nicely with The Economist’s article this week on the opening of the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

The museum says that, if Noah took two of every animal on his ark, he must have had dinosaurs. Could dinosaurs have fitted into a boat only 300 cubits (about 135m) long? “It is likely that God brought young adults. Being smaller, they would be easier to care for.”

From Genesis 3 et seq.

9 And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid,
and I hid myself amongst the trees of the garden, because I was
naked; and I was in fear lest thou shouldst ask of me whether I had
eaten of the tree of knowledge.

11 And the LORD God spake unto him, saying: never mind eating of
the tree of knowledge, thou hast walked on the grass of knowledge,
for a start.

12 And the man said, I thought it was alright to walk upon the
grass of knowledge, I did not know that that was any big deal.

13 Whereat the LORD God waxed exceeding wrath, crying: There are
signs up everywhere. As to thy being naked, thou art not naked at
all, they LORD thy God hath eyes in his head, thou and the woman
that I made for thee haved picked leaves to be a covering, what
dost thou think thou art playing at, picking at things, it’ll be
the daffs next.

14 And the man replied in thus wise, saying, The woman whom thou
gavest to be with me, she hath done this. I was happy in my
nakedness, it was not draughty, but the woman insisted, and I
plucked off the tree two leaves, contrary to sub-section eight of
the by-laws, para fourteen.

15 And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou
hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, saying it
would be fashionable, a smart leaf.

16 And the LORD God grew great in his anger, crying, It will be
riding bloody bicycles on the footpath next, It will be failing to
put sweet wrappers in the receptacles provided; and he turned then
to the man, saying, Hast thou a license for this snake?

17 And the man fell upon his knees in that place, shouting:
license, what license, it is not a dog, it hath no legs, it doth
not bark, wherefore is it that I should have a license?

18 But the LORD God would not be assuaged, saying, I know it is
not a dog, I the LORD God made it, it is not an elephant or a
plaice, either, do not get clever with me, the fact is that it is a
dangerous animal within the meaning of the Act, they can kill you,
snakes, I speak as one that knoweth, and as such they require a
license obtainable at any post office that I have made.

19 And the man hung his head, saying, I did not realize.

20 But the LORD God exculpated him not, saying, Ignorance of the
law is no excuse, it is not even on a lead, it could foul the
footpath, they are no joke, snake droppings. This is the garden of
Eden, not an adventure playground.

21 Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from the garden; and he
placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, in caps and
armbands, and a flaming signboard with all the by-laws writ large
upon it, to keep the way of the tree of life.

1 And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain,
and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

2 Whereat the LORD God spake unto them, saying, I trust that thou
hast registered this child, also that thou hast registered him once
only, I do not want any maternity grant fiddles, I do not want him
coming back unto me when he is unemployed claiming two lots of
social security, I give thee fair warning. That could well be a
matter for thunderbolts.

3 And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of
sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. And in the process of
time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground
an offering unto the LORD.

4 But the LORD God was greatly displeased in that place where he
was, saying, Call that a tomato? It is more like a red pea, hast
thou no thought for the Weights & Measures Act that I have made,
dost thou turn thy back on my Office of Fair Trading, what is it
that thou are trying to put over on the unfortunate public?

5 And Cain replied in thus wise, saying, Public, what public,
there is only we and thou in this place where we are, unfortunate
or otherwise.

6 And the LORD God gathered up the clouds and spake to him in
thunder, crying, Do not take that tone with me, I am the LORD thy
legally constitued local authority, a thing is not a tomato unless
I say it is a tomato.

7 And Cain went away in anger from that place, saying, It tasted
all right, what difference doth it make if it is a bit undersized,
how can you make a living in this business if you do not bend the
rules a bit. And lo, he came upon his brother Abel in a field, and
Abel had with him where he was a sheep that had found favour with
the LORD in that it had complied with all regulations concerning
weight, quality, vaccination, smell, and all the rest, and Abel
said unto his brother Cain, How dist thou get on with that titchy
little tomato?

8 And Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.

9 And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel, thy brother? And he
said, I know not: Am I my brother’s keeper?

10 And the LORD replied in thus wise, saying, thou art his next-
of-kin and it is therefore thy legal obligation to report his
demise to the Authorities, especially in view of the fact that it
is thou that hath demised him.

11 And Cain said, He got up my nose.

12 And the LORD God replied, saying, That is no excuse for failing
to report his death. Coming on top of thy dreadful infringement of
the tomato regulations, this is too much. And the LORD set a mark
upon Cain, reminding him of the severe penalties involved should he
receive two further marks in a period of three years, under the
totting-up procedures.

13 And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in
the land on Nod, on the east of Eden.

14 And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and
he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name
of his son, Enoch.

15 And the LORD God waxed furious, crying, didst thou get planning
permission for a city? Look at it, it hath no proper drains, it
hath high-rise blocks stuck up all over the place, it doth not have
a decent road from one end to the other, it is an eyesore and an
affront.

16 And Cain answered the LORD in some heat, shouting, This is not
Green Belt, this is bloody NOD, it is thou that stuckest me here in
this place where I am to be a developer on account of not being
allowed to follow chosen profession, to wit, tiller of ground, how
am I to earn an honest bob, all right, fairly honest?

17 But the LORD would not countenance his appeal, and knocked the
city down, that it be a lesson and a guide to all men.

18 And Enoch, the son not the city, begat Irad; and Irad begat
Mehujael; and Mehujael begat Methusael; and Methusael begat Lamech.

19 And Lamech took unto him two wives: the name of the one was
Adah, and the name of the second was Zillah.

20 And the LORD God waxed really spare this time, what with the
multiplicity of spouses and the serious begetting explosion, for
the infringements were beyond number, and the LORD God was up to
here with paperwork. And of the myriad thousands that now teemed
the Earth, the vast majority did not make full and complete tax
returns, nor did they come home from work without paperclips and
rubbers that they had taken, saying, Who is it that will notice?
Also, they lived together in council accomodation when they were
not legally married, and they did not observe the yellow lines that
the LORD their God had laid down for them, nay, not even the double
yellow lines; and they smoked in those places where there were
signs clearly exhorting them not so to do, and built on room-
extensions in cedar wood and in sandalwood without informing the
Rating Authority; and they sang in those places which did not have a
license for singing.

1 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth,
and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only
evil, continually.

2 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from
the face of the Earth; for it repenteth me that I have made them,
they cannot be left for a minute, I am losing a thousand gas-meters
a day, never mind forged Cup Final tickets.

3 But Noah found grace in the yes of the LORD.

4 And GOD said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me;
and behold, I will destroy them with the earth. Make thee an ark of
gopher wood. And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of:
The length of the ark shall be three hundred cubits, and the
height of it shall be thirty cubits.

5 Thus Noah and his sons fashioned them an ark; and it was done.

6 But when the LORD God looked upon it where it was, he waxed
practically out of his mind, crying, Is that the gopher wood that I
commanded thee?

7 And Noah answered in this wise, saying, Not exactly, it is more
your actual chipboard, I was very lucky, it fell off the back of a
cart, also no VAT, nudge-nudge, catch my drift?

8 And GOD caught his drift, saying, Nor is it the three hundred
cubits in length, that I bespoke unto thee.

9 And Noah replied unto him, saying, Right, right, there are no
flies on thee, O LORD, it is about, what, two hundred cubits, give
or take, it was a pretty small cart if thou knowest what I mean, it
looks like bad news for the dinosaurs and the unicorns, one way and
another.

10 And the LORD God retreated into the cloud, and wept. And the
tears became rain.