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Couple of millennia ago, I went to Westlake Boys High School with a couple of real swots by the names of Ian Carter and John Barker.

I drifted through with a minimum of effort coupled with eminently quantifiable talent (one teacher commended me on my optimisation talent in making a perfect 3 point landing for University Entrance – cleared the bar of the required 200 by 0.5 points) but these two guys learned every textbook inside out and back to front, including the product of the ISBN number.

When it came to practical application of all this knowledge, they were of course stuffed.

Put them on a perch and they’d parrot away all day, but getting them to read from the French textbook regularly sent Jack Bremner round the twist.

“Ow sond Lez Phillers” for “Where are the girls”.

Or “Kwelly hewerie est ill?” for “What’s the time?”

Now, my recollection of the grammar is – to say the least – vague after all these years, but I can still string words together with surprising success.

“Point sur” works quite well for “Spot on” and I believe I got a flicker of understanding the other day.

Haven’t had much success with “Frappez la Route” (Hit the road), though, and “l’Heure imbecilique” (stupid o’clock) doesn’t appear to translate too well, either.

“The Main Drag” – Le Tirez predominant – neither

Kwelly domargy….