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Cousin Dave’s oldest boy got married the other year.

I wrote to the bride-to-be

Dear Rebecca,

thank you for your invitation to the wedding

It would, however, perhaps be advisable to meet at some stage before
 you undertake a long-term commitment. 

I am in a unique position to
 provide you with the lowdown on the Mumblemumble family, specifically on a
 certain C. J. Mummblemummble, your intended spouse. It’s not a pretty picture and you may wish to
 reconsider. 
(The rest of them – including the undersigned – aren’t
 much better, and you’ll probably be better off remaining a spinster
 of this parish.)

 

If you do decide to go through with it, I’ll be only too pleased to
 make a speech on the matter on the evening. Just let me know. I’ll
 probably just make an impromptu one anyway.

 

The honeymoon destination is well chosen – we can give you lots of
 tips for Los Angeles (or San Francisco, if that’s your destination).
 But your spelling is about as crap as Chris’ – it’s CALIFORNIA, not
 KEFALONIKA.

 

(Did you hear the one  – quite appropriate considering the foregoing
 – about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? Lay awake at night,
 wondering whether there really is a Dog?)

 

So we’ll look forward to seeing you on 24 June. Preferably
 beforehand, if you know what’s good for you.

The reply

Many thanks for the reply.  Could you let us know which of the 
starter and
 dessert options appeals most please?

Just ignore me. I don’t mind.