You Must Be From Away

>Discovered in the on-line version of the Nelson Mail:

“However, the service was aimed at “transport disadvantaged” people, meaning many of its customers did not own cars.”

I asked the nice lady at the council if it wouldn’t be easier just to say:

“However, the service was aimed at people without cars”?

I soon learned that “transport disadvantaged” was a much nicer word, because it wasn’t discriminatory against people who wanted to drive but couldn’t.

Oldies, drunkards, imbeciles and the chronically uncoordinated, I suppose, although she wasn’t specific on that point.

I proposed some promotional text for their next press release:

“Riding on public transport, one can “assess the positive visual amenities” along the route, meaning that one can admire the view.”

Never heard back.

Wonder why.

>Doddery – astute as ever – flagged in-car (in-truck, actually..) safety the other day

Gave me flashbacks about buying the Honda in Auckland last year.

It honestly didn’t occur to me that cars built in the last 10 years wouldn’t have ABS or airbags.

But they’re out there.

Mostly in Henderson

Lots of of them.

So the Must Have criteria went from “Younger than 8 years, less than $12k, fewer than 8k a year” to all that plus “and ABS and Airbags”

But the best sales pitch to compensate for the lack of one or both was:

“Well, if you drive safely and don’t have any accidents, you don’t need them”

Noooo, I don’t really think so…..

>Thank you for the 3 catalogues which arrived simultaneously and whose combined weight of 3 kgs flattened the cat which was unfortunately lurking behind the front door at the time.

Please don’t feel too bad about its demise, but to avoid future occurences of this nature, perhaps you’d like to limit me to a SINGLE catalogue for the above account.

The other accounts which contributed to the fatality this morning are A21657929 and A59984229.

If it’s not possible to cancel the accounts, perhaps you could send me an email when you post them, so that I can temporarily rope in the menagerie?

Thanks xxxx

Dear xxxx
Thank you for your email.
I am very sorry to hear that our catalogues are responsible for the demise of your cat.

Please accept my condolences.

I am pleased to confirm that we now only have one account for you, you will now receive one catalogue. I hope your cat can handle 1 kg, as this is what you can expect from now on.

Please do not hesitate to contact us, if you have any further queries.

Yours sincerely

Hitesh

Thank you so much for your kind words, Hitesh.

It’s so good to know that there are kindred souls across the seas.

I’m relieved to learn that fewer trees will (quite literally) bite the dust for me and I’ll be sure to keep the canary away from the door.

Its chances of survival have increased significantly since the cat got disappeared (funeral tomorrow, no flowers please) and I’d hate for it to get whacked by your goodselves.

All the best

XXX

>My wife, xxxxxxxxx, (Customer Number 30246733 or S06AWC1, not
sure) is your customer.

While I’ll admit to occasionally going into shock with associated
double vision when I see the bills for the kit that she orders from
you, it’s not absolutely necessary to send TWO catalogues to enable
me to establish the reason for my impending insolvency. And THREE –
arrived with the same post today – is definitely OTT.

Then again perhaps the cost of postage is the prime driver for your
cost-base, with the resulting incomprehensible (for me anyway – 35
quid for a bikini, strike a light…) pricing.

Then again I’m just a bloke so what do I know. Very succinctly put,
if I say so myself and I’m sure the statement will received nods from
the rest of the tribe.

Anyway – one’s perfectly adequate. None would be better – financial
survival might then be a distinct possibility.

Hello xxxx

Thanks for your email which did brighten up my day but I am sorry to hear that you are so inundated with catalogues.

Having now investigated, I can see that there are several accounts set up in your wife’s name. This is a technical issue at our end, I am afraid, but I am going to refer it onwards to the relevant department and we will do our best to put a stop to this.

Please let us know if you are inundated further with unwanted catalogues and I can assure you that it is not part of a cunning marketing plan – just good old-fashioned human and software errors.

Regards
Julie xxxx

Julie

On reflection, I have a better plan.

Send me more catalogues – 1000s and 1000s more. You’ll thus go insolvent through the sharp rise in marketing costs before I do and the whole thing will take its natural course.

Shame about your employment prospects, though, although I have no doubt that someone with your sense of humour and the ability to write an error-free email (no mean feat these days, I assure you) will have no trouble in finding a meaningful niche in the working world.

All the best

xxxxx

>
My thoughts exactly….

It’s nice to know that other people think the same way.

>Anyone who’s experienced the surreally common-sense-free environment that is airport security will feel at home in this clip from SNL.

Although the intelligence necessary to question perceived wisdom is rarely apparent in real life….

“Every one of you has at least a high school equivalency degree and not one of you has ever been convicted of a felony. You are the elite.”

Yeah right.

And it’s not just limited to security, either.

Flying out of AKL to LAX a while back, the check-in agent discovered my residency permit for Germany in my passport.

“What’s this, then?”
“Residency permit for Germany”
Detailed inspection ensues
“I’m not going to Germany. I’m going to the States.”
Ignored.
“Is it valid?”
“Yes”
“Where does it say that”
” Here (Points to a random word) That means “Permanent” in German”
“Oh, OK then”

You are the elite.
Yeah right

>Lufthansa, of course, gets it all wrong…..

But it wasn’t always like that.

Back in the Dark Ages, we had the (almost) perfectly PC team.

Even the most innocuous statement had a fair chance of offending at least one of us …

Walter Scheel : Ossi (and in those days a “Must Have” if you had ambitions of being recognised as an Equal Opportunity employer)

Andreas Mann: Jewish

Sabine Grebe: Female

JB: The token Ausländer

And – this is the “almost” – Dieter Pannek: WASP, married, 2 kids, straight.

The issue of his lack of diversity did crop up on occasion, but he remained unconvinced……

>I just love Political Correctness.

Especially in corporate America.

They have competitions for it over there.

The idea is to cram as much diversity as possible into a single blissfully-posed corporate image

The rules are simple:

1 point per diversity and a bonus point for each combination in an individual. (The lady on the right, for example, gets 2 points: female and Asian)

I think Merrill Lynch might have a winner here – 10.5 points from 6 individuals, but there’s definitely room for improvement:

Chronologically gifted (1) male who we can assume is wearing a kippah (1). You can’t actually see it, but why else would the top of his head be cropped ..?

American-Indian (1) female (1)

Female of non-colour (1) – disappointingly uncreative – she’s not even vertically challenged, which would have garnered her a bonus point.

Male person of colour (1) – again, points up for grabs, although you can’t actually see the back of his chair, so he might – just might – be in a mobility device aka wheelchair and thus differently abled (0.5 – benefit of the doubt)

Asian (1) female (1)

The guy in the blue shirt is tricky, but I’m guessing Indian (1)

But no person of obvious gay persuasion…….

Maybe the photographer?

>From me (“the wishor”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”), please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all…and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms:

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

>
If this works, I’ll be well pleased…

So might you.

I’ve been an avid follower of Jeff Giles’ mp3 blog since I stumbled over it. And I haven’t a clue how that happened, but suffice to say it was one of last year’s better days.

So since September, I’ve been slavishly (that’s the only word for it – slavishly) reconstructing his Friday Mixtapes on my iPod

“Slavish” probably doesn’t do it justice.

“Obsessive” might be better.

It takes the form of looking for WiFi hotspots in Bangkok in the middle of the night (because the mp3 files Jeff posts have the lifespan of a mayfly) and then watching as the battery meter slowly creeps down below the forecast download time – a bit like cricket ODIs: 8 runs needed off 2 balls, 2 fours or a 2 and a six will do, but they take a single… – and you’re stuffed, because that last track is IMPORTANT and people are looking at you as you pound your head on the table, yelling “Shit! Shit! Shit!”.

Or lurking around the mall in Richmond.

Now I can feel for trainspotters…

So the idea is to (illegally) share the tracks that really stopped me in my tracks or have a special significance or are good beyond words and need a wider audience. Or the Mix’n’Match tapes from the early 80s that I’ve faithfully digitized. I can even remember why I sequenced them the way I did.

So here’s the first one – Dave Dobbyn’s Welcome home from Available Light

Why?

You have to watch the video for that…