This is a true story.

My uncle told me, so it must be true.

He was sitting in a commuter train to London opposite a female punk with a technicoloured spiky Mohawk hairdo.

It’s not the sort of thing you can really avoid looking at and at one stage, the girl said

“Oi! Whatchew starin’ at? Ain’t you never bin young or nuffink?”

To which my uncle replied:

“Actually, I WAS young in my youth and I’m told that I got so outrageously drunk at a party once that I shagged [Ed: he actually said “F%$^ed…] the hosts’ parrot.”

“I was just wondering whether you might be my granddaughter…”