You Must Be From Away

It’s Downworthy, a browser browser plug-in replaces hyberbolic headlines from bombastic viral websites with a slightly more realistic version. For example:

• “Literally” becomes “Figuratively”
• “Will Blow Your Mind” becomes “Might Perhaps Mildly Entertain You For a Moment”
• “One Weird Trick” becomes “One Piece of Completely Anecdotal Horseshit”
• “Go Viral” becomes “Be Overused So Much That You’ll Silently Pray for the Sweet Release of Death to Make it Stop”
• “Can’t Even Handle” becomes “Can Totally Handle Without Any Significant Issue”
• “Incredible” becomes “Painfully Ordinary”
• “You Won’t Believe” becomes “In All Likelihood, You’ll Believe”
• … and so on.

The full list

“Absolutely” => “Moderately”
“Amazing” => “Barely Noticeable”
“Awesome” => “Probably Slightly Less Boring Than Working”
“can change your life” => “Will Not Change Your Life in ANY Meaningful Way”
“Can’t Even Handle” => “Can Totally Handle Without Any Significant Issue”
“Can’t Handle” => “Can Totally Handle”
“Cannot Even Handle” => “Can Probably Totally Handle”
“Doesn’t want you to see” => “Doesn’t Really Care If You See”
“Epic” => “Mundane”
“Go Viral” => “Be Overused So Much That You’ll Silently Pray for the Sweet Release of Death to Make it Stop”
“Greatest” => “Average”
“Incredible” => “Painfully Ordinary”
“Infuriate” => “Mildly Annoy”
“Literally” => “Figuratively”
“Mind Blowing” => “Mind-Numbingly Ordinary”
“Nothing Could Prepare Me For” => “Does ANYONE Fucking Care About”
“Of All-Time” => “For Now”
“OMG” => “No One Cares. At All”
“One Weird Trick” => “One Piece of Completely Anecdotal Horseshit”
“Priceless” => “Painfully Ordinary”
“Right Now” => “Eventually”
“Scientific Reasons” => “Vaguely Science-y Reasons”
“Shocked” => “Vaguely Surprised”
“Shocking” => “Barely Noticeable”
“Simple Lessons” => “Inane Pieces of Bullshit Advice”
“Stop What You’re Doing” => “Bookmark Now and Later Completely Forget About”
“That Will Make You Rethink” => “That You May Find Vaguely Interesting But Won’t Change Your Life in Any Way”
“This Is What Happens” => “This Is Our Bullshit Clickbait Version Of What Happens”
“Unbelievable” => “Painfully Ordinary”
“Unimaginable” => “Actually Kind of Droll”
“WHAT” => “Some Other Crap”
“WHOA” => “Zzzzzzzzzzz”
“Will Blow Your Mind” => “Might Perhaps Mildly Entertain You For a Moment”
“Will Change Your Life Forever” => “Will Not Change Your Life in ANY Meaningful or Lasting Way”
“won the internet” => “seems alright”
“Worst” => “Vaguely Unpleasant”
“Wow” => “Oh GOD This is SO Boring. Please Kill Me”
“You Didn’t Know Existed” => “No One Gives a Shit About”
“You Won’t Believe” => “In All Likelihood, You’ll Believe”
“I Can Not Believe” => “I Am Not Remotely Surprised By”
“I Still Can’t Believe” => “I Am Still Not Remotely Surprised By”
“You Had No Idea” => “You Already Knew”
“Before You Die” => “Before You Completely Forget About And Move On With Your Life”
“Make You Cry” => “Make You Mildly Sentimental”
“Restored My Faith In Humanity” => “Affected Me In No Meangingful Way Whatsoever”
“Breathtaking” => “Fleetingly Inspirational”
“$x Things” => “Inane Listicle of $x Things You’ve Already Seen Somewhere Else”

The usual suspects, of course

Sgt. Carl Potter Jr. of the United States Secret Agent presently on an undercover mission in Syria who wants to give me $50m

My bank appears to have a new email address (skynetdiplomaticexpress@gmail.com) and tells me that my new bank ATM is ready if I’m first prepared to infect my computer with spam open the attached file for more details.

Mrs. Masha Engelhard is looking a new BOYFRIEND. She has BIG BOOBS and BIG BUTT….and she knows how to use them.

Capt. David Michael, assigned to 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, 3rd Marine Expeditionary Force in Syria (didn’t know that Obama had invaded, but whatever…) who summoned up courage to offer me $10,570,000m.

Cheap bastard. Why not $50m…?

Gladys T. Trumbo who NEEDS some LOVE. (Johnath Haraway has some on offer, but I won’t go into details….)

But the pick of the crop has to be Jack from Microsoft Service Centre, who called this morning.

Apparently, my computer is totally screwed.

SO screwed that it’s been sending out cries for help which Microsoft Service Centre picked up and Jack can help me!

Thank goodness for that.

It’s evidently writhing with Microsoft malware and viri (We had an involved discussion as to whether it’s “virusses” or “viri” and – after 5 minutes of semantic discussion – settled on “viri” )

Anyway, all I have to do is to download some software (which will allow Jack to take control of my computer and charge me a ransom for releasing it back to me..) and Bob’s your uncle.

Or Jack

I neglected to mention that I left the Dark Side YEARS ago and it would be HIGHLY unlikely that my iMac would be sending out distress calls, but I DID ask him where he was calling from.

“Urine, California”

“Eh? Say again…?”

“Urine, California”

“Can you spell that?”

“U -R-I-N-E “

I can tell you EXACTLY what happened….

During their 5 minute indoctrination course in Bangalore, Randeep said to the gathered drones:

“Now, if somebody is asking you where are coming from, you should be saying you’re in California”

Scribble, scribble, scribble………Urine, California.

I gave him a brief anatomical lesson and told him to piss off…..