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…..for thou art a German walker.

One thing I'll never come to terms with is the phenomenon of the Invisible Walker.

You''re out in the open countryside, miles from anywhere and along comes a walker. Perhaps even a group.

You're about 500 metres apart and the closer you get to each other, the more interesting the side of the path on the opposite side of the track becomes.

AND THEY'LL WALK RIGHT PAST YOU WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A NOD!!!

You're the Invisible Walker!

I've never come across this in any other culture – you ALWAYS say "Hello" and – depending on your language skills – frequently compare notes on where you''ve just come from and where you're going.

I've developed a ploy, though.

You wait until they're at about a 60º angle from you and bellow " GUTEN TAG", which is normally enough to jolt them out of "IGNORE AT ALL COSTS" mode and force a shamed reaction.

It's a fine art – blurt it out too early and they'll pretend that they were going to greet you ALL ALONG; leave it too late and you reap the acoustic fruits of your labour, but you don't get the visual benefits of the shamed glance.

And don't get me started about getting into elevators.

Different tactic needed here.

You get in and before the doors close issue a polite "Guten Tag"

Nothing. Not a flicker. Zero.

So you then look in the eye – they have too look somewhere – and say "Dann ebbe net…!"

Which means "OK, so DON'T have a nice day".

Perverse enjoyment, I know, but you'll never run out of opportunities….