>The Doddery Chronicles #3

Posted on 21 February, 2009 by jb

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Simon Lindsay was a road worker on State Highway 3 in New Zealand.

His blog – RestArea300 – was a classic. One of the best I’ve read

In the blogosphere, he was Doddery Old Fart. He died suddenly in May 2007

His blog’s offline now, but there are some pure gems tucked away in there.

Thanks to Chrissie, Alex and Jane for letting me share them

Monday, January 22, 2007

Things I Learned Today (42)


It is not a good idea to read the instruction sheet to your new chainsaw sharpening gadget in the bath.

Chickens can climb trees and like plums.

Putting too high a wattage halogen bulb in a bedside lamp creates an art object that smells.

Pictures of walls is an interesting site.

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>Dinosaab

Posted on 20 February, 2009 by jb

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Saab drifted off into receivership today, with not much hope for a long-term recovery.

100,000 cars a year falls a bit short of the critical mass you need to make a profit if you’re in the mass premium market, even if your key market segment does comprise “eccentric individualists”.

(As the “Economist” so delicately puts it.)

We must be REALLY eccentric.

We have 2 – a 9.3 hatchback and a 9.3 turbocharged convertible.

When I got home from the dealer, I said “This. Is. ThenicestcarI’veeverdriven” and I haven’t changed my mind in 10 years and after 200,000km.

OK, so most dealers are naff – “Well, if the air conditioning’s making a noise now that we’ve fixed it, then the fact that it didn’t make a noise before is proff that it was broken…”, (and  of course “Saab” is the acronym for “Shit, Another Astronomical Bill”) but now I’ve got Roland “I had a look at the spark plugs and cleaned them up, so you don’t need any new ones” Rother as my mechanic, it’s been plain sailing.

I have absolutely NO idea what to buy when they stop making them.

It must be me.

Hired a Saturn in the States once and figured that if I HAD to buy an American car, this would be it.

They’ve stopped making them, too.

Eccentric individualists….

Posted in It must be me | Tagged | 2 Comments

>There is no hope…

Posted on 19 February, 2009 by jb

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“American” and “cuisine” in the same sentence tends to be the definitive oxymoron.

I give you… the Slowburger: A half pound beef patty, gruyere, onion rings, butter lettuce and pickle relish. Greasy fries

At least someone’s brave enough to call a spade a spade, if not a bloody shovel.

For your further entertainment…thisiswhyyourefat.com
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>Here we go falling all over ourselves round the mulberry bush

Posted on 17 February, 2009 by jb

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Portsmouth NH police log
 Feb. 14

 1:17 a.m. — Police gave a verbal warning to a man reported to be “falling all over himself” in the area of Junkins Avenue and South Street.

7:50 a.m. — A woman on Broad Street reported that a large truck had run over a 120-year-old mulberry bush on her property. Police determined it was a civil issue.

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>Looks like I got out just in time…..

Posted on 16 February, 2009 by jb

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Due to the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as

RAPE 
(Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the

SHAFT scheme
(Special Help After Forced Termination). 

Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the

SCREW scheme
(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons staying on will receive as much

SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) 

as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of the supervisor.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

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>At the tone…..

Posted on 13 February, 2009 by jb

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the time will be

1,234,567,890
 
If you’ve got a UNIX watch, that is.

UNIX time started at 1 January 1970 and ticks merrily along at a digit per second.

So at some stage, you’ll run out of 32 bit digits.

In about 29 years, actually….
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>Calder

Posted on 12 February, 2009 by jb

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A mobile is an abstract sculpture made chiefly out of sheet metal, steel rods, wire, and wood. Some or all of these elements move, propelled by electric motors, wind, water or by hand…When everything goes right a mobile is a piece of poetry that dances with the joy of life and surprise

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

When I was at school mumblemumble years ago, we used to have cinema days.

A local cinema – usually the Bridgeway – would be requisitioned, kids herded into chartered buses and told to “BE QUIET AND WATCH THE FILM”

Usually Jacques Cousteau, infrequently a National Geographic film (snake eats mouse, cheetah catches gazelle..) and very rarely (and probably only for seniors) something like “Hamlet”.

The Russian version with electricity lines in the distance.

Or a film about modern art.

Alexander Calder was one film we saw – probably as a short before the main feature.

All I recall at the time was this American guy cutting, welding and painting amoebic metal shapes and balancing them on a structure.

My interest grew and grew over the years as I become more and more exposed to art and culture in general and walking into a WHOLE ROOM of them at the Hirschhorn Museum in Washington was almost an epiphany.

A mobile is a piece of poetry that dances with the joy of life and surprise.

Absolutely



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>The Thinking Machine

Posted on 11 February, 2009 by jb

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In 2002, artificial intelligence pioneer Hans Moravec made an interesting slide showing the evolution of computer power and cost, and the trajectory toward a thinking machine comparable to a human brain.

At this rate, it looks like I’ll be overtaken in 2010.

If it hasn’t happened already…….

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Too good to miss – Spike Milligan

Posted on 10 February, 2009 by jb

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>Why "why" is dangerous….

Posted on 9 February, 2009 by jb

>

Sarah is 3.

Dad is a chemistry professor

SARAH: Daddy, were you in the shower?
DAD: Yes, I was in the shower.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: I was dirty. The shower gets me clean.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why does the shower get me clean?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: Because the water washes the dirt away when I use soap.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why do I use soap?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: Because the soap grabs the dirt and lets the water wash it off.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why does the soap grab the dirt?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: Because soap is a surfactant.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why is soap a surfactant?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: That is an EXCELLENT question. Soap is a surfactant because it forms water-soluble micelles that trap the otherwise insoluble dirt and oil particles.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why does soap form micelles?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: Soap molecules are long chains with a polar, hydrophilic head and a non-polar, hydrophobic tail. Can you say ‘hydrophilic’?
SARAH: Aidrofawwic
DAD: And can you say ‘hydrophobic’?
SARAH: Aidrofawwic
DAD: Excellent! The word ‘hydrophobic’ means that it avoids water.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why does it mean that?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: It’s Greek! ‘Hydro’ means water and ‘phobic’ means ‘fear of’. ‘Phobos’ is fear. So ‘hydrophobic’ means ‘afraid of water’.
SARAH: Like a monster?
DAD: You mean, like being afraid of a monster?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: A scary monster, sure. If you were afraid of a monster, a Greek person would say you were gorgophobic.
(pause)
SARAH: (rolls her eyes) I thought we were talking about soap.
DAD: We are talking about soap.
(longish pause)
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why do the molecules have a hydrophilic head and a hydrophobic tail?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: Because the C-O bonds in the head are highly polar, and the C-H bonds in the tail are effectively non-polar.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Because while carbon and hydrogen have almost the same electronegativity, oxygen is far more electronegative, thereby polarizing the C-O bonds.
SARAH: Why?
DAD: Why is oxygen more electronegative than carbon and hydrogen?
SARAH: Yes.
DAD: That’s complicated. There are different answers to that question, depending on whether you’re talking about the Pauling or Mulliken electronegativity scales. The Pauling scale is based on homo- versus heteronuclear bond strength differences, while the Mulliken scale is based on the atomic properties of electron affinity and ionization energy. But it really all comes down to effective nuclear charge. The valence electrons in an oxygen atom have a lower energy than those of a carbon atom, and electrons shared between them are held more tightly to the oxygen, because electrons in an oxygen atom experience a greater nuclear charge and therefore a stronger attraction to the atomic nucleus! Cool, huh?
(pause)
SARAH: I don’t get it.
DAD: That’s OK. Neither do most of my students.

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