You Must Be From Away

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….as John Whatley would say.

There’s all this hooha in Mainz about where you can ride a bike and where you can’t.

They first proposed that you couldn’t ride anywhere in the pedestrian precincts, but the place has been so pedestrian-precinctised that it’s almost impossible to get from A to B without traversing one.

Ah.

OK, you can ride, but only at walking pace..

That would be 15km/h if you were  Valeriy Borchin in the 20km competition in Beijing last week.

No, probably not..

Anyway.

So they put up signs all over the place, stating that on days when there’s no market or similar event, you can ride across the cathedral square at walking pace.

Logic determines that at other times – on market days and similar – you can thus ride across the square at full whack……

Eh?

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….as John Whatley would say.

Needed to replace one of these energy-saving bulbs the other day.

They’re claimed to last a lifetime, but no-one’s defined whose lifespan.

I’m guessing that of a butterfly.

Given that the darn thing costs 20 bloody Euros, I figured that a quick functionality check would be in order.

Plug it into the thingy that buzzes if everythings OK.

Nothing.

Turn up the hearing aid and try again.

Not even a faint hum.

Try another one. And another. And another.

The pile of light bulbs in the aisle is beginning to take on significant proprtions, attracting the attention of a Retail Executive (Callow Youth version).

He shakes 2 or 3 and reckons that if they rattle, they’re stuffed.

They all rattle.

“They’re ALL stuffed” I ask.

“Every one of ’em” he says

A Retail Vice President then walks by and says casually:

“You can’t use the standard tester for those. You need to screw them into a fitting”

“But they rattle” says Retail Executive (Callow Youth version)

“That’s normal” says Retail Vice President.

“Wouldn’t it be a GOOD IDEA” I venture “to put up a sign next to the tester saying that it only works with standard bulbs”

The next 5 minutes – I kid you not – are consumed with convoluted explanations as to why it wouldn’t work.

• People don’t test bulbs At 20 bloody Euros a throw? 
• I know about it now, so I don’t need one
• Need to get permission
• But what do you do for blind people the sight impaired/short-people the vertically challenged?
• The majority of people are illiterate/dyslexic/foreigners…

I gave up and drifted off.

Last time I looked back, they were still finding reasons.

Makes me think of Herb Kelleher of Southwest Airlines

He said “Sure we have a strategic plan. It’s called doing things”

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….as John Whatley would say.

Get a form to claim benefits as a cripple handicapped person mobility-challenged individual (I kid you not – over here, if you have a hip joint replacement, you’re a cripple er handicapped er mobility whatever.ed..).

Duly fill it out and notice that there’s nowhere to sign.

Call up the bureaucrats who tell me that it comprises 2 sheets, not just the 1 sheet that they’ve given me.

Politely suggest that they could avoid the problem by either stapling the sheets together or – even better – indicating “Page 1 of 4”, “Page 2 of 4” and so on.

“No, that wouldn’t work” says the bouncer receptionist “The ideas have to come from the top.”

“Who’s at the top of the tree, then” I ask.

“So and so, but that won’t help either, because he’s also got a boss. And his boss has ALSO got a boss “

So it seems like I have to write to the Premier of the State of Rhineland-Palatinate to get things done.

Fat chance of anything happening, seeing what I’ve written about Kurt Beck on occasion…..