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This sign says that – despite the fact that it's private property – you can park here under certain conditions.
It continues to tell you what they'll do to you, your car and your wallet if you DON'T meet the conditions.
Which are……
…No Parking At Any Time
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It's a fairly well-known fact that Germany lags behind the rest of the world technologically.
Especially the UK, world leaders in plumbing (none of this complex/prone to failure combined mixed faucets – hot and cold taps are cutting edge…) and credit card fraud.
In a futile attempt to counter the latter, they've converted to "Chip and PIN" in the past couple of years.
Pretty standard sort of stuff – card data are encoded on the chip, you enter the PIN via a keypad.
Skimming-proof.
We're not that far over here.
My Visa card's got a chip but I'm buggered if I know what for.
So we're in John Lewis' cafe and I wave my card at the lad at the cashiers
"It's not 'Chip and PIN'" I said.
"Yes it is" he says
"Look" I said "I KNOW it's not"
"It's ALL Chip and PIN"
"This isn't – I have to SIGN"
"Oh" he says "we don't do THAT"
"Oh yes you do"
"Oh no you don't"
Just like a Christmas Pantomime…
Stupid bloody Poms
(They did, by the way……)
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I’ve been quite impressed with myself lately.
Getting around on Christoph’s bike and walking 5km every couple of days.
Doing the Bionic Leg wonders and keeping the weight in check.
And using public transport.
Quite a pleasant experience mostly, but they don’t always make it easy.
Wanted to take the train into the airport the other day.
Something holding up the power cables had given way and the next train through ripped down a couple of hundred metres worth of wire.
16 hours later, they still hadn’t fixed it, but buses were on offer….
Last Sunday, some “tired of life” joker decided to stage his grand finale on the bridge over the tracks next to the main station.
Buses were on offer….
Today was the best, though.
Train to Koblenz from the airport stops just before it crosses the Rhine into Mainz and we’re informed that we’re not actually going to stop in Mainz, because the line’s blocked.
“What we’ll do” says The Voice “is drop you off in Mombach and from there you can make your way back to Mainz”
Duly in Mombach (which is about the shittiest little suburb in Mainz, with a station that wouldn’t be out of place in Siberia), A Voice says:
“Chwang wang wang Platform 2 chwang wang wang Mainz chwang wang wang”
The Voice also says:
“Chwang wang wang Platform 1 chwang wang wang Saarbrücken chwang wang wang”
Unfortunately, the train on Platform 1 arrives first and there might – just might – have been a couple of people on the train to Koblenz who wanted to change trains in Mainz for Saarbrücken.
But not twenty people, who flocked lemming-like in the direction of Platform 1 and disappear into the cavernous interior of the Regional Express, non-stop to Saarbrücken.
200km distant.
Who then – dismayed – peer out of the window as the train for Mainz arrives on Platform 2, onto which a sniggering horde, pointing to the train on Platform 1, clambers.
And no sooner have they sat down will they hear the familiar:
“Tickets please. Ah, you only have a ticket as far as Mainz. That’ll be a penalty fare of €80, thank you”
“But, but, but…”
“I’m very sorry, but you know the rules…”
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Nelly Furtado – Saturdays from Folklore
Pink Floyd – If from Atom Heart Mother
Mamou – Ugly Day Stomp from Ugly Day
Carpenters – Ticket To Ride from Singles 1969-1981
Clapton, Miller, Gadd, Sample, & Sanborn – Snakes from Montreaux Jazz Festival 1997
Lowell George – Easy Money from Thanks I’ll Eat It Here
Bob Dylan – Dink’s Song [Home-Recording] from No Direction Home: The Soundtrack (The Bootleg Series, Vol. 7)
Leo Sayer – Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance) from Billboard Top 100 of 1975
Architecture In Helsinki – One Heavy February from Fingers Crossed
The Misunderstood – I Can Take You To The Sun from John Peel’s Record Box
Sugarloaf – Green-Eyed Lady from Billboard Top 100 Hits Of 1970
Bill Oddie – Harry Krishna from John Peel’s Record Box
Everly Brothers – Cathy’s Clown from Billboard Top 100 of 1960
Bruce Springsteen – Secret Garden from Greatest Hits
Run-D.M.C. – Walk This Way (Demo) from Raising Hell
Evermore – Unbreakable Live from Real Live Newcastle
Elton John – Country Comfort from Tumbleweed Connection
Rory Gallagher – The Devil Made Me Do It from Jinx
Joe Walsh – Giant Bohemoth from Barnstorm
Robert Earl Keen – Not a drop of rain from Diggin’ Deep – The essential alternative country collection
When I was in my last year at school (and getting bugger all pocket money, btw), I’d spend most Friday evenings in the Big Smoke.
Friday Night Shopping was as good as it got in Auckland in the mid 60’s.
Shops actually stayed open until 8 p.m.
So I’d be on the bus at 4 o’clock and cruising the book shops and record stores by 5.
Having young teachers wasn’t a given in those days – most of them would be your parents’ age and have war stories to relate (Ted Malone, my English teacher, reckoned that he should actually have been awarded the Iron Cross for the number of aircraft that he’d pranged on take-off or landing…) – but Russell Aitken was an exception.
He was cool. And he was only about 10 years older that we were, but we didn’t know it at the time.
I mean he was a teacher.
And teachers were old.
He used to take groups of us the the New Vision Gallery in Auckland in the evening and get interesting people (significant artist Colin McCahon, history professor Keith Sinclair) to talk to us about Modrian and Miro and we’d drink real coffee and stay out so late that he’d have enraged parents on the phone the next day with “You’re corrupting our boys..”
Yeah, right.
Everyone was smoking or slygrogging.
Bill Thomas and the Takapuna Crew even had girlfriends and were – you know – DOING it.
So all these famous painters’ and architects’ names were in the back of your mind and I’d regularly splurge 2s 6d on Methuen’s “The Little Library of Art”.
Modrian, Miro and a painter no-one had talked to us about, but whose stark graphics, over-emphasised verticals and strong perspectives jumped out at me.
Bernard Buffet.
Imagine my pleasure to visit the Museum für Moderne Kunst (Museum of Modern Art) in Frankfurt the other day for a major exhibition of his work.
What a treat.
And thanks again for that, Russell.
Er, I mean Mr Aitken….
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Now, I’m a fairly openminded person, but some of the stuff at Frankfurt’s Museum für Moderne Kunst (Museum of Modern Art) is seriously weird shit.
There’s the table, for a start.
Half of it’s inside the building.
The other half’s outside the building, 3 stories above the pavement.
And there’s a bloody gale blowing through the gap.
And lots of of Beuys, some of which I like – the audio installation, where he endlessly whispers “Ja, ja, ja, ja ….Nee, nee, nee, nee” with varying intonations from a range of speakers – and some of which are beyond belief.
“Stag struck by lightning” which looks to my skilled artistic eye like scrap metal suspended over a collection of human beer turds.
But – then again – what do I know?
This one is a classic “Untitled” from their permanent collection and I always go and talk to them.
“Hey Adolf, how is it down there in Mexico? Still limping then, Josef? Heard you sold the Mercedes dealership in Asuncîon, Martin. Are they keeping the “Automobilos Bormann” name or are they rebranding?”
I swear they waved back the other day…..
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Being an old bastard, I’m in the process of applying for my pension.
Which is a bit complicated, given that I’ve worked in 3 countries, all of which have to get their act together in order for the Pension People here in Germany to work out what pittance they’ll begrudgingly pay me, starting at the beginning of next month.
Which is also a prerequisite for my company pension.
Also a pittance.
So I started the process rolling about 6 months ago, got all the stuff from the UK that they wanted (didn’t bother to tell them about New Zealand, to be honest – wasn’t that long and I only earned bugger all, anyway) and sent it of to the Whateveritis Ministry in Berlin.
Hadn’t heard for a bit, so I had a chat with them just now. “Oh, yes, we’ve initiated the procedure for England, but I don’t know how long THAT’s going to take. Two to three months, for sure“
After a slightly more forceful chat which went something along the lines of……
“I’m not too keen on the idea of your intention of depriving me of ANY INCOME for the next 4 months. Given that I only worked in the UK for 5 years in the late 60s’/early 70’s (and earned sod-all and threepence) and that I’ve worked in Germany for the past 35 years, wouldn’t it be a GOOD IDEA to calculate my pension based on my German employment history, issue a provisional pension calculation (so that I can apply for my company pension) and then adjust later as necessary?”…
…..they all of a sudden ALSO thought that it would be a GOOD IDEA and there was the sound of much scurrying and the scratching of quills on parchment and they’re going to contact me by semaphore this very afternoon.
This could be fun……
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When your approval rating is only 10%, isn’t it really time to go?
Kurt?
Hallo?
Kurt Beck is Minister President of Rhineland-Palatinate and Chairman of the SPD, the socialist partner in the grand coalition at national level.
In the latter position, he has first right of refusal when it comes to the SPD’s candidate for chancellor in the 2009 elections.
The SPD’s currently at 22%, down from 35% at the last election.
Not looking good, Kurt, especially when your own party gives you 16% approval.
And especially when 46% of your own party wants Angela Merkel as their next chancellor.
Maybe it’s that people are tired of your “homespun ways and rustic accent”, as the Economist kindly puts it.
Maybe it’s the way you betrayed the party faithful and tacitly accepted a opportunistic dirty deal with the (“so-called”, as he puts it) Linke party at state level and promptly fell on your face.
Maybe it’s your constant brain farts.
Or maybe it’s your recent announcement that you and Hans-Walter Steinmeier, the Foreign Minister and Deputy Chairman of the SPD would “come to an amicable agreement on the chancellorship candidacy question” and that you “wouldn’t hang around where you’re not wanted”.
Now why on EARTH would we think that you were having second thoughts about your candidacy?
How could we come to that conclusion?
No, we’ve all got the wrong end of the stick and we’re misinterpreting you as usual.
Kurt, you really are such a prick….
Kurt Beck, SPD, Angela Merkel, brain fart, Steinmeier, Linke Partei, German elections
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