>Fairytale of New York

Posted on 25 December, 2009 by jb

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Best Christmas song ever by a drunk man with bad teeth.

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>12 days of Christmas – #12

Posted on 25 December, 2009 by jb

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Law Offices
Bedger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Denver
Colorado

26 December 1975

Dear Sir
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially

Badger, Bender and Cahole

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>12 days of Christmas – #11

Posted on 24 December, 2009 by jb

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

24 December 1975

Listen, Fuckhead
What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?  Some of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the birds are dead.  They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Yours sworn enemy,
Agnes

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>I like Christmas

Posted on 24 December, 2009 by jb

>Ozzie Osbourne doesn’t.

He reckons that his best Christmas was 6 years ago when he was in a coma after an accident.

And then of course no gossip column would be complete without Paris Hilton, who supposedly believed in Santa until she was 16.

I have it on reliable authority that she stopped believing in the virgin birth at age 10….

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>Not around here….

Posted on 23 December, 2009 by jb

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According to supermarkets in Britain, sales of premium lavatory paper increase substantially in December as families try to impress their in-laws, parents and other guests they will welcome into their home at Christmas. Sales of filter coffee and Earl Grey tea also jump, as consumers hide the lesser brands at the back of the cupboard, to try and impress their guests with their refined taste. 

(Source: The Telegraph)

I do exactly the opposite when the relatives turn up here.

Hide all the good stuff and dish up Chateau Cardboard and Nescafe.

Sod ’em

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>Rage Against The Mediocre

Posted on 23 December, 2009 by jb

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Thank goodness for small mercies.

There’s a tradition in the UK that the #1 Christmas song (in recent years, at least) has to be vacuous, innocuous, innoffensive and musically worthless.

Most recently, it’s been provided by the winner of “The X Factor” – something like “American Idol”

That would appear to fit the bill

This year’s different.

Someone set up a Facebook group, grew it to 1,000,000 members and exhorted them to download Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing in the name” in large numbers.

500,000 downloads later, they’d beaten “The X Factor”‘s conveyor belt  manufactured star, Joe McElderry, by 50,000.

Meeting with 80% approval ratings in New Zealand.

100% around here.

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>12 days of Christmas – #10

Posted on 23 December, 2009 by jb

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley
Colorado

23 December 1975

Your rotten prick
Now there’s 10 ladies dancing.  I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.  They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of shit.  They Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouln’t be condemned.
I’m sticking the police on you.

One who means it,
Agnes

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>Failing to plan is planning to fail

Posted on 23 December, 2009 by jb

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Mrs jb dug up a recipe from an English magazine for classy Christmas cookies.

English.

Now that should have been a warning.

Not that the Poms can’t cook (some – quite a few, actually – can), but there’s a general dim-wittedness prevalent in great swathes of country.

The recipe involves beating a large quantity of icing sugar, 2 drops of peppermint essence and minuscule quantities of cream (30ml?) and albumen (HALF an egg-white?) into a thick paste, rolling it into an elongated shape, letting it dry and then cutting it into disks which you dip into melted chocolate.

Recipe says:

20 minutes plus an unspecified “drying time”.

Days later…..

At this rate, we might be lucky to have them ready for Easter.

Stupid bloody Poms

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>This hurts my brain

Posted on 22 December, 2009 by jb

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My first PC (1987) didn’t even have a hard drive.

I ran programs off of and stored data on a single 720KB 5.25″ floppy disk.

Then I went mad and bought a 1.44MB 3.5″ disk drive.

Cost DM500 which was probably about 10% of my monthly salary back then which was WELL above an average salary.

Now I could run Microsoft Word (a stripped down, but still functional version) from the 3.5 drive and use the 720KB drive for storage.

Talk about high tech

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>I’m convinced…

Posted on 22 December, 2009 by jb

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…where do I sign up?

HT criggo.com

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